Call it sleep

16 Nov

My husband and I are knackered. We have dived in and out of unsatisfactory sleep for the past nine months, wondering how on earth we ended up with a baby who really doesn’t like to lie down and close his eyes. We are seriously beginning to wonder if he is hyperactive like his 10 year old sister. Watching him in his cot at night is a little like looking at someone who’s taken a pill at a club, danced for 4 hours, returned home at 3am, and then lay down on the bed. Sleep for them consists of writhing around on the sheets, gurning, and maybe even tapping their feet and clicking their fingers to an imaginary beat. They’re basically doing what they were doing standing up, but lying down.

Bet you wish you used protection

My baby also treats my boob as a bottomless wine box. He has an amazing ability to find the nozzle within seconds, even in the black of night, and it’s a bit like feeling a leech attacking me in a swamp. In the morning my boobs are not dissimilar to an empty wine box’s inner foil bag: deflated and sad looking after a one man binge. The pillhead would do much the same with any human flesh they’d managed to drag home from the club. Both just want something warm and alive to hold onto all night long and at their leisure. Sleep really doesn’t come into it at all. No, that comes the next day when the sun comes up and everyone else is eating breakfast…

And this is how it is for our baby. When we’re all wiping the sleep from our swollen red eyes, and I’m pouring coffee for the other children (a mistake I often make when I’m really sleep deprived) he’s decided that it’s time for a luxuriously long nap that starts at 9am and continues until midday. Not really much use to all of us who have to do things like work, go to school and put laundry on.

Of course, my husband and I are stupid. We shouldn’t have had a third, and if this is someone’s way of telling us that contraception would have been a good idea sometime back in May 2010 in a grim hotel room in Ramsgate (sex was all that helped us forget we were lying on orange nylon sheets) then the joke’s on them.


One Response to “Call it sleep”

  1. lindapalermo November 16, 2011 at 3:57 pm #

    Your blog is rather wonderful and your husband should be very happy to have you

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